who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You've changed since you got that strap on
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
