im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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