Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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