The maid of honor just puked.
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
