so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
