I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
