So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
