oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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