You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
