Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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