I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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