I can text with my tongue
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
