I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
