she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Randomize
