guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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