The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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