I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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