WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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