I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
