Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
