party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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