you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
