I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
if only i could text you this smell
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
