I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You had me at "let me see your balls"
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
