so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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