What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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