nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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