I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
