he told me I talked like a deaf person
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
