i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
