I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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