My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
