You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
