I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
