I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
