Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
