Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
