I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
