If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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