at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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