You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
It's never too late to be topless.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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