I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
