I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
the day after is always just damage control
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
