shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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