do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
