i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I just found puke in my bra..
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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