There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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