Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
