mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
