my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
