omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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